Things I Secretly Wish I Had

So, in general I try to be a decent person. I think I generally do okay at it. But there's this side of me that likes to do things just to shock/annoy/offend the sensibilities of/tick off/bother and otherwise pester my fellow human beings. It's not that I don't like you, it just that you're fun to mess with. So, here are a few things that I kind-of wish that I owned, but would (likely) never be able to use because if I did, TW wouldn't go out in public with me:

T-Shirt

A slightly ironic shirt, an inside joke about something you read on the Internet, and a superhero reference all rolled into one. Unfortunately the slight sacrilege is a bit of a turn off. :^(

Car Thingy

I'll admit it. Even though I often tend to be conservative in my political views, I think it's funny when the wing-nuts on the right (or the left for that matter) get ticked off, and as far as the evolution vs. creation debate goes, I think people who refuse to look at the evidence that science gives because they think it contradicts the bible must live in a very small world. The inability to hold two ideas in your mind that seem contradictory and accept that they could both be true if you had all the information is evidence of an underdeveloped psyche.

Book

Actually you can scroll down and choose from several of these books that TW wouldn't be thrilled with. Of the three things here, one of these books is the thing that I am most likely to actually get. Just wait, we're having a girl right now, but when we have a little boy, I may have to get some of the ones about explosions or things like that.

No Feeling Feels as Good as Feeling Smugly Superior

The other day at work (I work at a radio station), a great thing happened. Marcus Smith pronounced a word incorrectly. And I caught it. If you don't know who Marcus Smith is, go here and listen to a few episodes. You'll see what I mean. Marcus is really a nice guy, but when someone is really smart it's always fun to catch them. I was tempted to write a fake snooty letter to the station. I used to answer e-mails that came to the station, so I think that I could probably get the tone down pretty well. Here's how it would go.

To: Mr. Marcus Smith

From: Ms. Ima Prick

Re: Gross error on your show

Dear Mr. Smith,

I was distressed the other day as I was listening to your show. Usually I find your commentary to be if not insightful, at least thought provoking. On this particular day though, you made an almost inexcusable error in the pronunciation of the word "chimeric." While your misplacement of the accent of the word (on the first syllable instead of the second syllable) might be excusable due to the word's Greek origin, and the frequent accentation of the antepenultimate syllable in Greek, your pronunciation of the word using an "sh" sound instead of a "k" is incomprehensible. In an English approximation of Greek, a "ch" should never make an "sh" sound. In the future please be more careful about your pronunciation as poor pronunciation can at best make you harder to understand and at worst be offensive to the more sensitive portion of your listeners.

Humbly,

Ms. Ima Prick

You know, it's sad how close that letter actually comes to sounding like something we might get. Anyway, I'd never send it since Marcus really is such a nice guy, but like I said, it's nice to feel smugly superior sometimes, if only for a minute.